Ficlet request: Making BABIES (PG)

[fignewton]

Aaaand here's the last of the request ficlets! And whew! That's it for January, people - my fandom writing time is hereby dedicated to the next Canon vs. Fanon. Once that's posted, we'll see what comes next. Thanks to everyone who contributed a prompt! I still haven't mastered the art of really short fic writing, but at least they're all less than 1,000 words. :)

uniquinum had to wait longest for hers, because no matter how hard I tried, I could not figure out a way to write her prompt without making it absolute crack. I finally told myself that Uniquinum actually likes funny and cracky ficlets, so why fight it? :) Approach with caution: absolutely over-the-top and out-of-character (but-in-cliche) Jack ahead! Sam and Janet, hopefully, are very much in character.

Uniquinum asked for Sam and Janet and "They'd better start making babies." Yes, it's gen. And you have been warned. :) Sometime in S2. Word count: ~950


Making BABIES

Jack stalked out of Daniel's office, muttering under his breath. So he'd dropped one eensy weensy artifact on the floor! It had only broken into three pieces. And it had been pretty ugly, too. Daniel had no right to kick him out for that, much less threaten to call security on him!

 

A little needling of Carter would be soothing, he decided. His kids needed that extra bit of irritation to keep their blood moving and their brains firing. After the shouting match he'd provoked out of Daniel, the archeologist would be able to get in several solid hours of work. Carter needed the same treatment, or who knew how long it would take her to fix her current doohickey?

 

Decision made, conscience clear, Jack took the stairs two at a time, heading down three levels to Carter's office.

 

He adopted his Special Ops walk as he approached, because surprising Carter when she was in the middle of something delicate was always fun. He heard the gentle rise and fall of voices – both female, he decided, paying more attention to the tones than to the words. Ah, the Little Doc was there. He would get to annoy two of his favorite women at once. Sweet!

 

Then, as he entered the room, he caught the last half of Frasier's comment.

 

"...then they'd better start making babies."

 

"Say WHAT?"

 

The blurted, incredulous question destroyed any hopes of surprising the two women, but the twin spit takes, as both of them spewed coffee all over Carter's monitor, almost made up for it.

 

"Sir!" Carter choked, fumbling for a cloth to wipe up the spilled coffee.

 

"Making babies, Doc?" Jack demanded. "Sounds a bit against regulations, if you ask me!"

 

"No one asked you, Colonel," Frasier retorted.

 

"Well, I'm asking now."

 

"I'm afraid you misunderstood, sir," Carter said hurriedly, if politely.

 

"Yes, that can happen when you eavesdrop on other people's conversations," Frasier added pointedly. She didn't bother with the politeness, Jack noticed. Well, that was typical enough. He wasn't her CO.

 

"Oh, do explain." Jack couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face. This ought to be good! "I'm all ears, really."

 

Frasier cleared her throat. "Well, actually...."

 

"Ballistic Artillery in Basic Infantry Education Scenarios, sir," Carter said.

 

"Huh?" Jack blinked.

 

"Ballistic Artillery in Basic Infantry Education Scenarios," she repeated smoothly. "I'm sorry, sir, but I didn't choose the name. It's an acronym, sir. BABIES: Ballistic Artillery in Basic –"

 

"...Infantry Education Scenarios," Jack finished for her. "Yeah, I get it. Now what are you talking about?"

 

"P4X-003," Janet chimed in. Carter blinked once, then turned attentively to her CO. "Captain Carter and I were discussing the training exercises that the natives of P4X-003 – what did you say they called themselves, Sam?"

 

"Hm? Oh! Uh... the Gantans, I think, wasn't it?"

 

"Yes, that's right," Frasier nodded. "The Gantans. Anyway, their military wanted to consult with our medical department about the mounting casualties in their training exercises. I was just telling Captain Carter that they need to make sure their soldiers master the basics before trying more advanced scenarios – in other words, they'd better start with more BABIES if they don't want their trainees to get hurt."

 

She finished speaking and nodded firmly.

 

Carter nodded back.

 

Then they both turned to Jack and regarded him with a polite, interested air.

 

Jack wasn't quite sure what to say. It all sounded plausible enough – sort of – but it also sounded awfully contrived. He would really like to call them on it...

 

Except he hadn't really paid all that much attention to the planet designation that Frasier had reeled off, and the only other person he could easily ask about it was Daniel, who probably wasn't speaking to him at the moment.

 

He could always ask him later, though. Bribe him with some good coffee, and then casually ask about the – Gordons, wasn't it? Yeah. That'd work.

 

"Very good, Captain, Captain," he said at last, nodding first at Carter and then at Frasier. "Carry on."

 

He closed the door gently behind him and headed down to Level 25. Maybe Teal'c would be in a generous mood and allow himself to be annoyed for a change....

 

***

 

Sam counted to thirty under her breath, then dived for the phone.

 

"Daniel? It's Sam. The colonel might be on his way to you... Oh, you did? Smart man. Hah, yes. Listen, if he asks you about P4X-003 or the Gantans, stall until I get a chance to give you the whole story, all right? No, no, nothing like that. Janet and I will explain later. Over pizza, tonight? Oh, you'll bring Teal'c? Excellent! Great. See you at six."

 

As Sam hung up, Janet abandoned all control and dissolved into laughter.

 

"Sam," she wheezed, "that was brilliant! How did you make up that acronym on the spot like that?"

 

Sam, laughing too, saluted her friend with her empty coffee mug. "The same way you managed to spout off all that stuff about a planet that doesn't exist! I could barely keep a straight face."

 

"We did good," Janet chuckled.

 

"Yes, we did," Sam agreed smugly. "Now! Back to what we were talking about." She put the coffee mug down and leaned forward on her elbows. "So, the two episodes I missed on that mission?"

 

"Typical Brave and the Bold stuff," Janet told her. "Donovan and Charity admitted to their affair, but Clement told Arabella that her long-lost daughter was involved in the blackmail attempt..."

 

(Author's Note: The Brave and the Bold was an old DC Comics series. One of my favorite DCU AUs has a running joke about The Brave and the Bold being the soap opera that everyone follows, from Dinah Lance to Clark Kent. I couldn't resist using it here.)

Comments

[izhilzha.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the laugh! I needed that desperately; I'm having a crappy day at work. Sam and Janet snowing the Colonel was perfect to jar me out of my I-hate-life funk.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Sorry about the bad day! And yay for Sam and Janet friendship to help make it better. :)

[aelfgyfu_mead]

I thought The Brave and the Bold was a real soap opera! Huh!

I knew Sam and Janet were having him on, and I like that Jack even suspected, but by the time Daniel and Teal'c are done with him, he'll be convinced it's on the up-and-up.

Until he uses the acronym in front of Hammond--should you be looking for an encore, feel free to use it!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

It might be a real soap opera. I wouldn't have any idea, to be honest. :)

I wasn't trying to hide that Sam and Janet were making it up as they went along, and yes, even cliche!Jack isn't actually stupid. But the idea of the whole team (plus Janet) corroborating against Jack is just plain fun!

And ::snicker:: at your last suggestion - that's why I had Janet and Sam suggest it was something offworld, not part of the SGC. Because I can SO see Jack using the acronym whenever possible, just to be irritating.

[randomfreshink.livejournal.com]

The real soap opera is "The Bold and the Beautiful", a spin off of "The Young and the Restless" (on which folks are generally not so young anymore but still very restless. Not that I watch them, but it's just in there with general trivia junk (gave up on soaps after one summer with my brother in a cast and watching All My Children, and it was freaking three months for someone to so much as get a full paragraph out---can we talk string along? But, by god, they know how to hook.)

And I do love Sam making this stuff up....

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

I didn't even realize there was a close analogy!

And go Sam! It took me a lot longer to think up an acronym than she did. :)

[uniquinum.livejournal.com]

There is so not enought Friendship Crack!Fic in the world, and I have not the words for how fantastic this is.

likes funny and cracky ficlets

Yep *is shameless*. That and I'm a sick sick person so no matter how serious I try to be I still end up requesting Crack (as you noticed from the Ep Ficathon).

I don't think Jack is all that out of Character, and everyone knows that Sam and Janet are secretly Soap addicts.

Thank you so much it was really worth the wait.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

You have no reason to apologize for liking humor and even crack! It certainly made my life easier. :)

I do think Jack was OOC - that was fanon!Jack more than canon!Jack. OTOH, fanon!Jack is a lot of fun to write!

And, heh, yes - it is scarily easy to imagine Sam and Janet mocking the soaps, but never missing a single one if they can help it.

So glad you liked it! :)

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

*giggle*
Loved it. Sam and Janet win at life.
And finally, proof positive that anything can sound convincing with the right amount of technobabble and/or acronyms. :D

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Oh, Sam and Janet are truly a formidable team!

And yes, technobabble and acronyms can cover a multitude of sins... if you're fast enough on your feet. It took me a lot longer to make up the acronym than it did Sam. :)

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

*g* Well that's because there's normal human brains and then there is the Sam Carter brain. It's a good thing she's on the good guys' side ;)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. She and Janet make a killer team!

And your icon, BTW, is great. :)

[odakota-rose.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)
magnavox_23 made it, I cracked up, the rest is history. She did a whole bunch of stargate icons

[lilyleia78]

::giggles:: I love Sam calling to get Daniel in on the joke and then congratulating him on kicking Jack out of his office. ::smooshes Janet and Sam:: Reccing!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for the lovely rec! And I'm glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)

[crazedturkey.livejournal.com]

Ha!

way to go girls!!!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you. :)