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Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 04:55 pm
The happiest of birthdays to [personal profile] pepper, fellow mod and general perpetuator of squee! Hope it's a great one. :)

I told myself I wouldn't write any more birthday fic until I finished at least a few WIPs, but in an astonishing feat of dexterity, I have actually written fic for you! So here's some teamy goodness for you, Pepper, with lots of love.

Summary: When the team comes under attack, Sam uses any weapons she can get. Slightly silly teaminess, set in S4 but with no real spoilers. 843 words. Rated PG.

Shake Vigorously for Best Results

As she fell onto her hands and knees, a steely grip closed around Sam's left wrist, dragging her inexorably forward. Eyes in an arrogantly beautiful face flared gold in evil anticipation. Fighting against a surge of panic, Sam tried to pull back, but the impossible strength in the Goa'uld's fingers tightened, threatening to crack the bones of her wrist. Desperate, she tried to think of something, anything she could do to defend herself.

Sam knew she couldn't expect help from her team right now. They'd been so badly ambushed it was almost embarrassing. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Daniel, sprawled in a dazed, groaning heap against the wall; Jack and Teal'c were still on the other side of the room, grappling with the enemy Jaffa. Her weapons lay scattered on the ground out of reach, together with the remains of their interrupted meal. They'd actually been sitting down to eat, woefully unprepared for attack, and she still ridiculously clutched a packet of --

Use everything and anything as a weapon, the colonel often said.

Sam flung the contents of the little paper packet into the Goa'uld's face.


Hammond stood at the foot of the ramp, surrounded and protected by grim soldiers with their weapons aimed at the open Stargate. O'Neill's message had said that their Goa'uld prisoner was safely restrained, but no one wanted to take any chances.

The blue ripples parted as figures stepped over the event horizon. Major Carter and Dr. Jackson came first, and Hammond quickly assessed the makeshift sling supporting her left wrist and the bloody nose that had left stains on his chin and uniform. Minor injuries, he was glad to see, although Dr. Frasier would certainly examine them carefully. Then Teal'c strode through with a wriggling, cursing figure slung over his shoulder. Teal'c's BDUs were streaked with dirt and somewhat torn, but he seemed unharmed, and Hammond knew the Jaffa well enough by now to detect the fierce satisfaction in his otherwise impassive expression. Colonel O'Neill was last, looking bruised but whole, his weapon held at the ready. His face was relaxed and... amused?

"Brought you a present, sir!" he announced brightly. "One snakehead, neatly packaged and delivered, COD. Batteries not included. Not sure how much intel he'll give us, but we ought to get something out of him before we toss him through the wormhole to Cimmeria."

As the wormhole winked out behind them, Teal'c unceremoniously dumped his burden on the ramp. Hammond was pleased to see that Dr. Lee's new Goa'uld-proof zip ties seemed to be working as advertised. The squirming Goa'uld glared up at them, his eyes strangely red and watering. The menacing threats he shouted in that deep, rumbling timbre seemed almost pathetic under the circumstances.

"Well done, Colonel," Hammond said over the spouted imprecations that he was just as happy not to understand. Jackson, he noted, was leaning over the furiously swearing prisoner with interest, apparently eager to learn some new Goa'uld curse words.

"And we discovered a new anti-Go'auld weapon!" O'Neill continued cheerfully. "Thanks to Carter." He patted her shoulder approvingly.

Hammond glanced at Carter, who shot O'Neill a glare before pasting a smile on her face and turning back to Hammond. "It was a bit improvised, sir," she said hurriedly.

"MREs," O'Neill pronounced with satisfaction. Jackson stifled a snigger.

Hammond gave a quiet sigh. "Colonel, I am relatively certain that I have heard every MRE-inspired joke over the years. But I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what happens when you force-feed a Goa'uld with --"

"We would not do such a thing, General Hammond," Teal'c said gravely. "O'Neill has explained to me your laws regarding the treatment of prisoners."

Ignoring the not-so-stifled snigger this time, Hammond held up his hands, palms out.

"All right, let's get this straight, people." He eyed the prisoner, who had been hauled to his feet by three Marines and was now being led out of the room to a holding cell. "How did Major Carter incapacitate the Goa'uld?"

A reluctant smile spread across Carter's face. "He interrupted us in the middle of a meal, sir," she started. "I'd just heated it..."

"Grilled beefsteak," O'Neill added helpfully.

"...and the Goa'uld surprised us before we could reach for our weapons..."

"Jack and Teal'c managed to fight off five Jaffa, though," Jackson said cheerfully, sounding a bit nasal.

"And Daniel Jackson damaged the crystal on the Goa'uld's hand device." Teal'c gave his teammate a nod of approval.

"That was a bit of luck," Jackson conceded. "But then he threw me across the room, so I couldn't help much."

"...so I used whatever came to hand, sir," Carter finished gamely.

"And in this case," O'Neill said gleefully, "what came to hand was red pepper."

Hammond blinked, remembering the tears that had been running out of the red-rimmed eyes, and then chuckled. "You threw red pepper into a Goa'uld's eyes, Major?"

Carter gave a shrug and a sheepish grin. "Well, yes. Sorry, sir. Couldn't reach the hot sauce."

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 01:43 am (UTC)
*gleeful giggle* Oh, what a treat to find upon coming back from vacation! Hurrah for resourceful Sam, amused Jack, deadpan Teal'c, and sniggering, self-effacing Daniel. Not to mention the long-suffering but fabulous Hammond. Loved the image of Daniel eagerly learning new Goa'uld curse words especially. He so would!
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 02:19 pm (UTC)
Bahahaha, lovely. "We would not do such a thing, General Hammond," Teal'c said gravely. "O'Neill has explained to me your laws regarding the treatment of prisoners." <-- my favourite bit. Awesome!
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 02:38 pm (UTC)
oh i love this!!! my team!!! love!!!
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 05:46 pm (UTC)
Bwahahaha! This is awesome. Go team! :D
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Fantastic! They are so damned cute when they're smug.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 11:05 pm (UTC)
Oh, I love this. Carter using the Colonel's teaching and her brain to save the day, Jack battered but finding the humor in it all, Teal'c wielding his own sense of humor deadpan, and Daniel soaking up the curse words. As a kid he so totally would have been the scrawny little geek who backed down the bullies and jocks by refusing to be intimidated, and then impressing them by teaching them curse words in other languages, and telling them about the bizzare sexual practices of this or that obscure tribe.

"I said give me that!"
"Give me it, geek, or I'm gonna hafta take it!"
"No! I need this to buy my lunch today!"
"Listen, you little shit -"
"No. I won't. And did you know that 'shit' in French is 'merde'?"
"How do you know?"
"I know a lot of swear words, in a lot of languages."
"Really? Can you teach me some?"
"Sure. And if I can have half of that brownie, I'll tell you the weird thing one of the Amazonian tribes does when girls start to grow breasts."
"Deal. You know, Jackson. For a geek, you're okay."
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 11:19 pm (UTC)
p.s. F.Y.I. my own fic-gifty for [personal profile] pepper [pre-series Jack/Sara, so it's not gen, and I quite understand if it's not your cuppa tea] can be found here at my lj. It's post Iraq, and about Jack's difficulty finding his way back to normal life.
Saturday, June 5th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
Go team! They are hilarious and awesome.