The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity (G)

[fignewton]

Whee! My first contribution to the Gen Battle! aurora_novarum, I think you're going to like this one. :)

Total cracky silliness, set in late S4. The prompt: team, it's all about the hair. 570 words. Rated G.


Edit December 2011: Now complete with illustration by ratcreature! Check out her other work at www.ratcreature.net. :)

The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity

"No, it makes perfect sense." Daniel gestures as expansively as circumstances allow. "Back in the beginning, Sam's hair was shorter than mine."

"Yeah, you used more hair products than I did," Sam agrees cheerfully.

"But then I ended up with short hair!" Daniel slouches back against the wall, looking triumphant.

"Still not seeing the perfect sense here," Jack says.

"Remember when Sam's hair got really long and messy?"

"Hey!"

"Well, it did." Daniel points an accusing finger at Teal'c, who meets it with a raised eyebrow. "Right around the time you grew that blond chin caterpillar!"

"Daniel!" Sam tries to lean forward enough to whack him on the side of the head, but he's just out of her reach.

"I do not believe it looked like a caterpillar, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c objects.

Sam hesitates, than admits, "Well, I'm sorry, Teal'c, but it really did."

Teal'c frowns. "I see."

"But you shaved it off and Sam cut her hair back to regulation length, so everything's all right!"

"Daniel..." Jack is still wearing his patient face, but after long practice, he knows how to invest Daniel's name with an awful lot of meaning. This time, they all hear the added overtones of you have exactly ten seconds to explain yourself before I haul off and thump you, even when I'm chained up like this, and Daniel's voice starts to accelerate.

"And when I went through the quantum mirror Sam had really long hair and so did Teal'c, and the Doctor Carter who came through our mirror with Kawalsky had long hair too, and the Teal'c of that universe had a goatee!" Daniel stops just long enough to take a breath, and finishes, "Don't you see?"

Jack leans slightly to his left and mutters in Sam's ear, "Did they drug him with something else before they dragged us in here?"

"I'm not sure, sir," Sam answers. "Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."

"Short hair is good," Daniel insists. He eyes Teal'c, then adds, "Or no hair."

Teal'c gives him a gracious nod of acknowledgment.

"How about floppy hair?" Jack asks, giving up and playing along.

Daniel hesitates, then peers, cross-eyed, up at his own hairline. "Floppy hair isn't bad," he concedes, "but short hair is better. For everyone." He nods firmly.

"Let's say you're right," Sam says. "How is that going to help us?"

Daniel opens his mouth, then closes it.

"Thought so," Jack snorts.

"It wasn't supposed to help." Daniel tries to cross his arms and fails, and the chains jingle in protest. His eyebrows take up the slack instead. "It's just an observation. Whenever we come across a universe where we have long hair, there's always trouble."

"In fact, O'Neill, if Daniel Jackson's theory is correct, then we can apply it to future encounters. It might assist us in determining whom we can trust."

"Thank you, Teal'c," Daniel beams.

"All right, all right. Fine."

Jack tries not to roll his eyes as the dungeon door rumbles open, and their evil dopplegangers march inside, waving their weapons threateningly. Carter's hair is tied back in a braid that reaches down to her knees, Jackson and O'Neill each have shoulder-length hair and flowing beards, and Teal'c sports unruly dreadlocks.

"All right," Jack sighs again. "I'll admit it. It really is all about the hair."

Comments

[sg-wonderland.livejournal.com]

You are indeed correct, it is all about the hair! Funny, funny stuff.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad you liked it. :)

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

"Did they drug him with something else before they dragged us in here?"

"I'm not sure, sir," Sam answers. "Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."


Hhehehehehehe.

Oh I enjoyed this very much. Very funny, and true for the AUs! More hair = BAD.

Bonus points for the caterpillar, and Teal'c with dreadlocks - I'm failing to picture that one!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Hee! You quoted my favorite bit! :D

Teal'c with Ronon-style hair? You mean it doesn't compute? ;)

[night-spear1287.livejournal.com]

Haha!

Non-reg-hair!Sam and chin-caterpillar!Teal'c and floppy-hair!Daniel. They need to get Jack into the "I once had weird hair" club :)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Not unless we go back to his MacGuyver days! Of course, movie!Jack had some pretty floppy hair himself before he got reactivated...

And, of course, there's the gray hair thing. So we can squish Jack in there if we really want to. :a

hee!

[maranya14.livejournal.com]

OK - firstly, this needs a beverage warning and secondly? I can't get the image of Jackson and O'Neill with 'shoulder-length hair and flowing beards' out of my mind now. O'Neill looks like Gandalf, and Daniel looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Yes, I blame you. :-)

Re: hee!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

::grins:: I will consider beverage warnings in the future!

Jack as Gandalf. Heh heh heh...

[pepper-field.livejournal.com]

Ahaha! It is! It is all about the hair! Daniel's so smart. *g* Very funny.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

::nods sagely::

It takes a Daniel to notice these things, of course. :)

[rdamel.livejournal.com]

Great fun, thanks for sharing!

Melissa M.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed. :)

[gategremlyn.livejournal.com]

Uh huh, I agree entirely *nods*. In the Star Trek evil twin universe, the evil twins always have beards--which is hair in a different place--so it is indeed all about the hair. It's a universal imperative.

Very fun!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Hee, yes - the goatee in Point of View is a dead giveaway. Hey, even Apophis had one, and he doesn't even need it to be evil!

Glad you liked it. :)

[merrykk.livejournal.com]

LOL! Great theory Daniel, and the evidence plays out...but just wait until "Ripple Effect" proves you wrong. ;-)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

::grins:: I actually considered writing my first even Mitchell fic, and have him being the one doing the grand analysis, but Ripple Effect kinda tripped me up.

Then again, consider the logic: all long-haired SG-1 universes are trouble, but not all trouble universes have long-haired SG-1. So the theory still works, I think! ;)

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

Hee! How hilarious. Poor Daniel's theorizing but it's still not getting them out of their chains. The appearance of the dopplegangers...hee hee hee.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Yay for theories, and hair!

I had great fun giving them as much hair as possible. :)

[lokei.livejournal.com]

*laughter* Oh, this started out such a bad morning, but it's getting so much better! Thank you for making me giggle on this insanity-inducing day. *hugs you* I adore the banter between the others while Daniel's being so EARNEST and all "YOU GUYS, I have a THEORY!" *laughing still* Aw, Daniel. *pats on the head* You've had a few too many ribbon devices aimed your direction, but I love you anyway.

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Daniel's being so EARNEST and all "YOU GUYS, I have a THEORY!"

Yes, EXACTLY! :)

And we do love our Daniel, concussed or drugged or slightly stirred or just about any way we can get him.

[lilyleia78]

bwahahaha! The reasoning powers of Daniel Jackson will not be denied. :)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

::nods sagely:: Because it all makes so much SENSE! :)

[sg-betty.livejournal.com]

Daniel is completely correct, as always! Er, except for current Sam, but it's in a regulation ponytail, so that's okay... Kind of like floppy hair... But short hair is better...
Great story, and a lovely start to my morning to read it!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Don't get me wrong - I adore Daniel's floppy hair. But for the sake of his theory... :)

And yes, current Sam's hair is tied back, thus properly regulation. But this is set in S4, so I can happily ignore it anyway. ;)

Glad to start your morning with a smile!

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

Aha ha ha ha! Teal'c was pushing it s9-10, then, though at least he kept it short-ish. :D

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Oh, it was still pretty short, so it still fit! :D

[sallymn.livejournal.com]

I want more of the doppelgangers... they already sound like fun :)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Poor SG-1 - they can't help being awesome, no matter how bizarre the dimension! :)

[randomfreshink.livejournal.com]

LOL -- Daniel and his theories (and you so know this one's going to be proven right).

But I love this: Jack is still wearing his patient face, but after long practice, he knows how to invest Daniel's name with an awful lot of meaning.

Ah, yes -- it can mean hurry up, shut up, talk faster, stop talking, I am not putting down my gun, you should not put down your gun, get the aliens to talk faster, get the aliens to stop talking, stop touching things, get your ass over here and translate this, you better be the hell okay, are you the hell okay, please stop rescuing alien princesses, you are not dragging me into this (which happens just before Jack is dragged into something), get in here and rip this guy a new one, or about a dozen other things.

And the suggestion that maybe they'd slipped Daniel a drug....oh, too Jack!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Hee, yes - Jack can take six letters and invest them with hundreds of different meanings. :)

So glad you liked it!

[petite-stars.livejournal.com]

Hehe! Good stuff... even though I really like Sam Carter with long hair (real long hair like in the movies... not AU bad wig style)

It is all about the hair! The only thing missing was a discussion on how the only hair constant in the series... Hammond and his shiny bald head :D

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

I think Sam looked stunning with the long hair, yes. But Daniel's talking about the incredibly messy hair of early S4. :)

I am SURE there is an AU out there where Hammond has longer hair than Daniel! :D

[sothcweden.livejournal.com]

OMG! This is great, and almost made me laugh out loud at the silliness, which would be bad as I'm at work. I swear you could have been quoting me with this line: It's just an observation. Sometimes I think that if I ever say this again either my friends or family will burn me at the stake because one person's interesting is someone else's whacked. Thanks for the chuckle!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Glad you controlled yourself at work, and glad you liked the fic! :)

[flingslass.livejournal.com]

Poor Jack *sigh* He's stuck listening to this and then the doppelgangers come in confirming Daniel's theory!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Well, it was their capture by the evil dopplegangers that set off Daniel's rant theory in the first place, but yes, the timing was impeccable. :)

And much as I adore Daniel, I agree that sometimes, "poor Jack" really fits! ;)

[missdeelishous.livejournal.com]

I just love the idea that AU's with more hair = bad. In Point of View, even Apophis had the "evil goatee" which I would like to think started with Star Trek's ep Mirror Mirror. :D So, would that make Apophis even *more* evil?

Ah. Thank you so much for writing this. I couldn't stop giggling. Daniel does seem hyped up on something. Sam's conclusion just had me in stitches.

"Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."

rotflmao. Hehe...Teal'c with dreads. Oh, sigh. :D

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Yes, pretty sure ST's Mirror Mirror ep started the evil goatee trend, but it made me laugh that Apophis had one too - I mean, he's pretty evil to start with!

So glad you liked Sam's reasoning! And Teal'c in dreads... hee hee hee. :)

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Oh god, Daniel is wreaked again.

Loved it.

Thank you.

FF

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I had great fun writing it. :)

[maddersahatter]

Evil dopplegangers always have beards! Love it.

[fignewton]

Thanks! It was great fun to write. :)