The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity (G)

[fignewton]

Whee! My first contribution to the Gen Battle! aurora_novarum, I think you're going to like this one. :)

Total cracky silliness, set in late S4. The prompt: team, it's all about the hair. 570 words. Rated G.


Edit December 2011: Now complete with illustration by ratcreature! Check out her other work at www.ratcreature.net. :)

The Daniel Jackson Theory of Hairy Relativity

"No, it makes perfect sense." Daniel gestures as expansively as circumstances allow. "Back in the beginning, Sam's hair was shorter than mine."

"Yeah, you used more hair products than I did," Sam agrees cheerfully.

"But then I ended up with short hair!" Daniel slouches back against the wall, looking triumphant.

"Still not seeing the perfect sense here," Jack says.

"Remember when Sam's hair got really long and messy?"

"Hey!"

"Well, it did." Daniel points an accusing finger at Teal'c, who meets it with a raised eyebrow. "Right around the time you grew that blond chin caterpillar!"

"Daniel!" Sam tries to lean forward enough to whack him on the side of the head, but he's just out of her reach.

"I do not believe it looked like a caterpillar, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c objects.

Sam hesitates, than admits, "Well, I'm sorry, Teal'c, but it really did."

Teal'c frowns. "I see."

"But you shaved it off and Sam cut her hair back to regulation length, so everything's all right!"

"Daniel..." Jack is still wearing his patient face, but after long practice, he knows how to invest Daniel's name with an awful lot of meaning. This time, they all hear the added overtones of you have exactly ten seconds to explain yourself before I haul off and thump you, even when I'm chained up like this, and Daniel's voice starts to accelerate.

"And when I went through the quantum mirror Sam had really long hair and so did Teal'c, and the Doctor Carter who came through our mirror with Kawalsky had long hair too, and the Teal'c of that universe had a goatee!" Daniel stops just long enough to take a breath, and finishes, "Don't you see?"

Jack leans slightly to his left and mutters in Sam's ear, "Did they drug him with something else before they dragged us in here?"

"I'm not sure, sir," Sam answers. "Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."

"Short hair is good," Daniel insists. He eyes Teal'c, then adds, "Or no hair."

Teal'c gives him a gracious nod of acknowledgment.

"How about floppy hair?" Jack asks, giving up and playing along.

Daniel hesitates, then peers, cross-eyed, up at his own hairline. "Floppy hair isn't bad," he concedes, "but short hair is better. For everyone." He nods firmly.

"Let's say you're right," Sam says. "How is that going to help us?"

Daniel opens his mouth, then closes it.

"Thought so," Jack snorts.

"It wasn't supposed to help." Daniel tries to cross his arms and fails, and the chains jingle in protest. His eyebrows take up the slack instead. "It's just an observation. Whenever we come across a universe where we have long hair, there's always trouble."

"In fact, O'Neill, if Daniel Jackson's theory is correct, then we can apply it to future encounters. It might assist us in determining whom we can trust."

"Thank you, Teal'c," Daniel beams.

"All right, all right. Fine."

Jack tries not to roll his eyes as the dungeon door rumbles open, and their evil dopplegangers march inside, waving their weapons threateningly. Carter's hair is tied back in a braid that reaches down to her knees, Jackson and O'Neill each have shoulder-length hair and flowing beards, and Teal'c sports unruly dreadlocks.

"All right," Jack sighs again. "I'll admit it. It really is all about the hair."

Comments

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

"Did they drug him with something else before they dragged us in here?"

"I'm not sure, sir," Sam answers. "Maybe those knock-out darts are reacting badly to his antihistamines." She pauses, then adds thoughtfully, "Or it might just be Daniel. It's sometimes hard to tell."


Hhehehehehehe.

Oh I enjoyed this very much. Very funny, and true for the AUs! More hair = BAD.

Bonus points for the caterpillar, and Teal'c with dreadlocks - I'm failing to picture that one!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Hee! You quoted my favorite bit! :D

Teal'c with Ronon-style hair? You mean it doesn't compute? ;)

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

Can you imagine if Daniel was on speed? You wouldn't be able to understand ANYTHING he said! Daniel on caffeine

Does not compute. No.

Hmm - maybe SHORT dreads... or twists... no - my imagination is lacking!

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

You know that SGA two-parter that starred Daniel and Rodney? I read somewhere that the writers were able to make the script nearly twice as long, because of how fast those two can talk. :)

Hey, if TBFTGOG Teal'c could sport a ponytail, anything is possible...

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

Oh that ponytail! *shudders*

Hmm - I notice I didn't finish a sentence I started above. I was going to say that Daniel on caffeine is bad enough...

LOL about the season 5 two parter. I've heard people complaining about their heads hurting from all the fast talking. Personally I love it - and am amazed at how they still manage to enunciate so clearly.

[cyren-2132.livejournal.com]

I read somewhere that the writers were able to make the script nearly twice as long, because of how fast those two can talk. :)

That's actually one thing I didn't like about that episode, because it felt less like "Here's a good story with people you like," and more like a deliberate speed-talking contest.

But I enjoyed this fic a lot. Daniel definitely sounded hopped up on something.

[sg-wonderland.livejournal.com]

Perhaps we can persuade some of our more art-endowed pals to render a manip of this....wake up, Magnavox, we need you!

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think it might end up as laughing that turns into crying.